The Dyeries #2 - Navigating Family Relationships as an Adult
I started this newsletter series called The Dyeries this year. The purpose was to have an outlet to share more authentic happenings in my new family’s life.
This spring has been all about enjoying “young married life,” but there were a couple other family events this spring that I felt compelled to write about. It also made me reflect on just how blessed I am to be in my family, but recognizing that family roles look a lot different as an adult.
Immediate, Close, Extended, or *other* Family
Currently, I'm in an identity crisis. No, not like one of getting crazy into running, trying to moonlight as an improv actor, or quitting a job to try and develop software (I'm guilty of all three accounts). This identity crisis is more natural in the course of life as it pertains to my identity in my family.
For 20ish years, my role in my family was well-established. I was a son to my parents, a sibling to my brothers (or "little brother"), a grandson, nephew, cousin, etc. That's the world I entered, and everything seemed static for a long time.
Our immediate family of five suddenly changed when my older brothers married. Not only did it bring a much-needed balance to the male-to-female ratio in the family, but it also gave me new titles of brother-in-law and, eventually, uncle.
Just as I was settling into this change, I met Julia. We would go on to fall in love and get married - where I would be gifted a new title of husband. On top of that, getting married immediately immerses you into a different family - where I received the titles of son-in-law, brother-in-law, and everything-else-in-law.
That's a lot of different family roles to take on. How do we handle all of this?
Genesis 2:23-25 says:
23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Before sin entered the world in Genesis 3, we have this image of Adam and Eve in the garden, united and unashamed as one flesh. Yet, the writer adds in verse 24 that we are to leave our father and mother. Why add that in? Because every person (called to marriage) after the garden goes through the same rite of passage created by God - leaving the parents they were raised by and forming their own family
Notice how there are a million books on marriage and a billion books on parenting but almost none on any other family role. That's because your immediate family is the most important people in your life and is the one you will impact the most. These are the people you spend every day with, the people who see the good, bad, ugly, and beautiful.
What was meant to be a beautiful process of "leaving and cleaving" created by God is still a beautiful process but can be distorted by human sin (Genesis chapter 3 comes after Genesis chapter 2). Too often, we see people unite with their new immediate family and disregard their old immediate, close, or extended family.
In the New Testament, the apostle Paul writes instructions for living in Christ in his first letter to Timothy. Paul specifically talks about caring for widows in the fifth chapter but combines it in verse eight with instructions for the family at large. In 1 Timothy 5:8, he writes:
8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Paul bluntly says the consequence of neglecting family is worse than being an unbeliever… But he says this is especially true for those in one's household… which explains the millions/billions of books on marriage and parenting.
So, how do we navigate all the other family roles?
With no written manual saying, "How to be a good uncle, brother, and son at once." or "Here are the 6 steps for a highly effective relationship with your in-laws," we are left to our own choices in navigating relationships in our lives. Thus, we are all guilty of letting sin creep in and distort our family dynamics. Sadly, this sin can spiral into darkness and cause severe damage in our lives.
Like any other relationship, Jesus came and lived a perfect life to show us how to love one another better. In the Gospel of John, Jesus told his disciples: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."
I want to describe two family events where loving as Jesus loved us was front and center.
Brother's Retreat
In 2023, my brothers and I began an annual weekend getaway we call Brothers Retreat. The idea began where all good ideas start—the shower. We had all faced some difficult seasons in adulthood, and I just felt God calling us to get together and connect for a weekend.
Without any actual structure, we set off to discover what a weekend getaway as adults could provide: no spouses, kids, parents, or work.
Is the weekend selfish? You could say that.
Could we accomplish this through other means? Probably so.
Is it just an excuse to play video games, explore nature, eat junk food, and build a fire? So it appears.
But there's something way deeper.
For several years as brothers, we have yet to really talk about our faith. We grew up in a Christian home, so it was understood believing in Jesus was the standard. Outside of faith, we were fortunate to have common interests that united us and kept us close while growing up.
Naturally, as we all three entered adulthood and formed our own lives, our relationship changed. We'll always be brothers, but life naturally pulls people in different directions with different interests and different ways of life, which can create - differences.
As differences occur, people begin to lose connection when something that once brought them together is no longer an interest. We could feel that starting to creep into our relationship as brothers.
How can this be? That even the two guys who share my same DNA can grow distant? It's because some of the things we built our relationship on were not eternal - they were temporary. Think of anyone you have known well since 2014 - they are likely a much different person in the decade later.
It took one weekend at an AirBnb on Tim's Ford Lake to rediscover that eternal bond in Christ. Not just the surface level, "I'll be praying for you, man," but the deep, 4-hour-long, shed some light on the pitch-black conversations about life.
Is it easy? No.
Has life been difficult? You bet.
Do we have all the answers? Hardly…
But to have a new foundation with my brothers built on encouraging one another in our walk with Jesus Christ - who is the same yesterday, today, and forever? What an absolute gift God has given us.
3rd Annual coming in 2025.
Family Reunion
My grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year. It's very advanced, so we're unsure of the quality of life that is remaining for her (prayers would be appreciated for her ongoing treatment to go well!). One thing my grandmother, Mimi, has continuously poured into is her family. Often unknowingly, she has always been a source of comfort and strength to me and someone who has been the glue to my mom's side of the family.
Family is intriguing because it automatically provides relationships with people. Sometimes, this default nature of family can make the process difficult. We live in a society that promotes choice and individualism. Meanwhile, family is the antithesis of one's freedom.
Actually, family comes from the Latin word "familia" and "famulus," which translates in Modern English as "servants" or "slaves of a household." Obviously, we have changed the cultural implications of the word, but the root meaning is fascinating and shines a light on a fundamental truth. Family only works if you, in whatever role you have, commit to serving the family for the betterment of it.
My grandmother routinely serves our family, but since she is sick, my mom and my two aunts have stepped up in many ways to serve her. In one unique way, on short notice, they planned a family reunion weekend in her hometown, Paris, Tennessee.
For one night, I got to eat and spend time with people I've never met, hardly know, or have seen for most of my life. Yet we're all part of this same family tree.
I have not attended many family reunions in my life. Still, it's pretty common to hear about crazy reunion stories, like when the uncle starts a fight, a brother steals the show, or a cousin does something illegal (not guilty).
This was different from those events. In fact, these are the scenes of the family reunion:
It might not go viral on the internet, but it's how a family that serves each other looks.
You might be thinking, "Yay, great for y'all. My family is not like that, and there's no hope for this." To that, I would say:
#1 - Our family is not and never will be perfect. That is the last thing that I am trying to proclaim. You want perfect? Family ain't it.
#2 - A culture change has to start somewhere. Throughout the ups and downs, twists and turns, rights and wrongs, my grandmother has kept the faith, which has positively impacted my life and that of other family members.
If leading a family was easy, every family would have no issues. It takes you putting aside yourself and serving in the several roles you have in your family. From my experience, this is all but impossible to do on your own…
Luckily, Jesus chose the cross for my sins when I fall short. I'm blessed to play my generational role of passing along that good news as best I can and thank God for His grace on days when it doesn't happen.
Thank you, Mimi, for keeping the faith.